Depression/ Post-Partum Depression
Well… First of I know this topic is rarely spoken about and its something people are either embarrassed about or just brushed under the rug like its not normal to feel this right when you had the blessing to bring this beautiful piece of you into this world. So with that said, I don’t even know where to start or how to put this but I have always been a very happy positive person. I have been very blessed with everything I have…my friends family beautiful home I own….. from the outside looking in my life looked like I had it all.
So after I gave birth of Riley Madison, boy oh boy did my life change. For obvious reasons it changed because I was a mother of this little amazing girl but that isn’t what changed.
What changed was the way I felt, the way I handled every situation, the way i view living, the way i looked at myself, everything!!! It all changed. It was a very dark place for me. Every second, every day was a challenge for me to continue on. I would have to remind myself that everyday was going to get better, i didn’t know how and didn’t see any hope, but one thing i did know was my daughter needed me. She needed me healthy. Mentally! I would have extremely low moments where i would think it was just the end and look down and see Riley Madison and she would smile and she was the one that gave me the ounce of hope i need. That tiny spec of hope that life would be ok if i kept fighting.
Stepping outside for a walk on a sunny day in San Diego turned into a dark day. Everything was dark, I couldn’t see birds singing or the sun shining. I wanted to go back to my cave. Back to where to comfort zone. I had Riley during the holidays so there were a lot of gatherings. I didn’t make many of them but the ones i did. I would see everyone smiling, I would put a smile on for the world, but inside i felt alone, cold, sharp pain. There was nothing i could do about it.
There months on end that I would wake up at midnight to feed Riley but I would grab my bible app and open the bible and read. I kept asking why. Why Me? How was i going to heal from this? Was this the end? Was i going to just have to die in order for me to stop feeling this way.
As i write this, it hurts me so bad because I have to relive this pain. I have to remember that girl that saw no other way. Saw one thing and it was not to be on this earth anymore.
One thing I can say is that depression is a real thing and it swallows you whole!
I still have days where I go back into that dark place. Where I don’t want to continue on. But I am fighting.